How to Fix an on Again Off Again Relationship

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Today we're going to be talking about on-again and off-again relationship communication, specifically, what you should be doing if you observe yourself in one of those situations or have ever institute yourself in an on-again, off-once more relationship.

Nosotros're going to hear from a woman named Jennifer who is going through a actually difficult time, and is having trouble deciphering what she should be doing in her own relationship, if she should get back with her ex, who is in the off-over again stage of their relationship, or if she should just simply move on.

And then I don't like wasting a lot of time, so let's just hear from Jennifer correct now.

A Real On Again Off Once more Relationship Question

"Hi Chris. My name is Jennifer, and me and my ex are 29. Nosotros were together for 13 years and lived together. We had some rockiness, simply we always came back together and made it work. In 2018, nosotros broke up and he took it more seriously than I did. Had dated, may even had sex activity a little chip.

Only it didn't piece of work and we eventually rekindled.

He came back and told me everything he needs is with me. He wanted to work information technology out. Nosotros were happy and everything seemed corking. We talked about our future together and he was incredibly sweet and affectionate, but my insecurities got the best of me. At times I acted irrational over stupid things which is the goad it is [inaudible 00:01:17] break upwards after all only a year from the previous one.

Now he believes there is a better fit for us again, but does not want to date for a while.

We're tied to this apartment and I talk so much of this interrogating him time later time. He withal loves me and cares, only doesn't see a future with me anymore. Is no no contact nevertheless an option afterward I broke it so many times?

I notwithstanding want to be his friend and I still want to be around him and so information technology doesn't experience right to become rid of it. We had a expert and lengthy human relationship."

A Epitomize Of Jennifers Situation

At present it'due south a blatantly obvious later on hearing Jennifer'south situation that she's going through a really difficult fourth dimension.

So hopefully what we can practise with this podcast episode is requite her some clarity on if her ex yet cares and also give anyone who'south going through a similar state of affairs to Jennifer or has gone through a similar situation to Jennifer, some clarity on what they should exist doing. What's the best way to approach the on again, off again relationship.

So offset off, allow'due south do a quick recap of what Jennifer's situation is.

And so obviously the person who chosen is named Jennifer,
she'due south 29 years erstwhile and she'due south been with her ex together for over 13 years.
And so this is the one human relationship in her entire life that has lasted longer than anything other than her peradventure familial type relationships.
She'south been with this person for 13 years. Just imagine how many firsts that they've experienced together. Right?
So they're currently in an on once again, off once again relationship.
Now, the latest iteration of the breakup happened in 2018 only it seems like he took it a little flake more seriously.
Merely since and then they've kind of been on again a little flake. They've had sexual practice together.
He seems like he wants to work it out.
They talked about the hereafter, but she still felt insecure, which is a very obvious when you've gone through the trauma of an on again off again relationship for over xiii years.
Now he wants to break upwards for good. He says he doesn't desire to date anyone for a while, which I recollect is a blatant lie most men volition tell. And he doesn't see a futurity with her.
And then is no contact an option in her particular state of affairs after it'south been broken then many times.

There's and so many things to unravel hither.

Only Offset… A Quiz To Help You

Hey, I merely wanted to brand a quick break in the episode here to allow you know that no matter what, no matter what situation yous find yourself in, the very first thing that you should always determine is if you accept a chance with your ex.

If y'all're going through a breakup and are kind of figuring out what y'all should do adjacent, that is always the first place that yous should start. Now, luckily on my website, exboyfriendrecovery.com I've put together a special quiz that's designed to reply this exact question for you.

The whole quiz should only take y'all virtually ii minutes long.

It'due south really easy and it gives y'all an idea of your guess chances of getting your ex back, what we think you should exist doing and some adjacent steps going forrad. And then if you're interested in taking that quiz, all you have to exercise is just click suspension on the podcast.

Or if yous're watching this on YouTube, just look into the description link of the YouTube video and click on the link you meet there.

Just if you're listening to this on the podcast, click pause on the podcast, go to your phone or wherever you're listening to this from, and get to our website, exboyfriendrecovery.com and you lot'll exist able to run across the prompts for the quiz on the home page.

All right, permit's get back to the episode.

Why Are People So Decumbent To Enter Into On Once again Off Once more Relationships?

All right, so I remember 1 of the biggest things that nosotros demand to determine first is why are people then prone to enter into on again, off again, relationships.

They seem completely unhealthy, merely research has suggested that they're really actually common. Over two thirds or near 2 thirds of adults have experienced an on again off over again relationship, at least one time in their lives.

But why are we subjecting ourselves to this pain?

Well. I want you lot to heed to what Jennifer had to say?

She was saying things like,

I still want to be his friend. I still want to be around him. It doesn't feel right to get rid of it. Nosotros've had a good and lengthy relationship.

So if you didn't already know, I'one thousand a large proponent of something called the peak end rule, which basically determines how human beings retrieve experiences, whether that'southward positive or negative.

They constitute that ordinarily the human being encephalon is not slap-up at processing every single aspect of an entire experience.

So instead what information technology does, it will remember two distinct points, the peak of the experience and the stop of the experience.

So the peak of the experience obviously being the most exciting or engaging part of the experience and the cease of the experience existence the actual finish of the experience. So what I think tends to happen when people enter into these on once again off again relationships is it's a little chip of the height end dominion at work.

They tend to forget kind of the hard aspects of the relationship and but call up the peak parts of the relationship. Some more interesting, exciting parts.

Then they, in essence romanticize the by.

That's a little bit of what a Jennifer's doing.

Only I think at that place's also another aspect that'due south actually not talked a lot about. So Jennifer is in this really fascinating situation where she's only 29 years quondam and she's been with this person for 13 years. And so near of her entire dating life has been spent with this 1 person.

But imagine how much that she has invested into the relationship, not just time, but energy and mental free energy. Monetary aspects have been invested into this relationship. She feels like if she lets the human relationship get it'due south going to exist kind of similar a waste of her fourth dimension.

All that fourth dimension is going to be invested for nothing.

The Five Types Of On Again Off Once again Relationships

And in an odd way I think that her ex actually probably feels the same, which is why he keeps coming dorsum. Now, one of the interesting things that happened when I was researching on what I was actually going to say for this podcast episode was, I like to practise bodily research.

So I base everything on science and likewise what I know to be true based on my own internal research here at the Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

And 1 of the best places that you can detect actual scientific data is the website Psychology Today. And then obviously when I started researching on again off over again relationships, a whole bunch of articles popped upward. I read a few, merely what's ever interesting, I observe nigh Psychology today, they're absolutely i of the best websites for learning about sort of scientific type things.

But oftentimes they'll quote studies that are washed by really incredible professors, psychologists, psychotherapists, that whole spiel.

Simply they merely kind of pick and cull the data points that they're actually going to talk nearly. So they read the whole written report or perhaps not fifty-fifty reading the whole written report. They just have access to the study and they choice some of the parts that they think are the virtually important parts and they include that in their manufactures.

Well that obviously doesn't give you all of the details of the report. In one of the on again off over again a relationship sort of articles. I came beyond a study that they were citing called a dimensional arroyo to characterizing on once more and off once more, romantic relationships. It was washed past, it looks similar four professors from Austin, Texas and a few universities in Seoul, Republic of korea.

And so anyways, I downloaded this PDF certificate. It's it'due south really, really long certificate, looks to be like 200 pages long. And I didn't read the whole thing.

I just read exactly the role that I was sort of picking and choosing. But they, Psychology Today commodity left out a really, really important affair.

And that's the fact that there are really five types of on once again and off again, relationships. And as I was reading through this, it'due south just amazing and uncanny how ofttimes you tin can actually bespeak to this type and say, "Okay, this person'southward actually this type."

So what are the five types of on again, off again relationships?

Blazon #1: The Habitual Blazon

Well, the first type is called the habitual blazon.

Now this is where the human relationship feels relatively easy and they've gotten really into the habit and don't desire to become rid of the addiction of sort of the relationship.

Then what does that hateful?

Well, it'due south sort of like the whole thing, they've gotten grown and then used to what the human relationship habits are similar that when the habits are taken abroad, they kind of don't like that and they want to get dorsum into the relationship. And they usually stay in that on again off again human relationship until they detect someone ameliorate looking or that will better meet what they feel their needs are.

So that's the first type of on again off over again relationships.

Type #ii: The Mismatched Type

The second type is chosen the mismatched type.

This is where partners have incongruent quality such every bit personalities and desires or fifty-fifty geographical distance or schedules conflicting.

So this is the whole long distance relationship kind of a situation where a person feels like they tin't exercise long altitude anymore and then they either regret it or they're long altitude situation changes and they're back into relationship or the schedules conflict.

So that's where like, "Oh, school is too difficult. I take to interruption up correct at present." Or, "Oh I desire to focus on my career, I accept to break up right now."

And then adjacent thing you know, they're back with the person over again.

So that's the second blazon of on again off again relationship.

Blazon #three: Capitalization of Transitions

The third type is chosen capitalize on transitions.

And so this is people who wanted to employ the breakup every bit a test to manage the problems or create opportunities to ameliorate their relationship.

And then I found this fascinating.

This was the only one of the, if not the only type of on again off again relationship that's actually saw a positive net change if a reconnection was made.

And then I'm going to talk a footling fleck about those capitalize on transitions type of on again off again relationships as we grow afterwards into the podcast episode. But let's proceed on down the v types of on again off once again, relationships.

Type #four: Gradual Separation

Type number four was chosen gradual separation.

So this is where the ii people eventually realize that the relationship was non going to work or they were no longer interested in continuing the relationship.

Here'southward the thing though, it simply took them an extremely long time to realize information technology.

Not too much to unpack here.

Type #5: Controlling Partner

And finally we have number five, which is a decision-making partner type of on again off again relationship.

This is where one partner controls the progression of the human relationship or would use manipulation or control tactics to become back together.

Right? And so when you look at Jennifer'south situation, just hearing that piffling blurb, to me it seems like a either a habitual type of on again off once again relationship, which is sort of what I'g going to sort of say that she'due south currently in, which is where the habits are so ingrained over xiii years that her partner just kind of tends to want to get dorsum in the human relationship.

Merely where she's declining, in my opinion, is that she'due south not capitalizing on the transitions.

Right? So I'll talk about that in a lilliputian fleck.

Are On Over again Off Once more Relationships Healthy?

But beginning things start, let's really tackle a bigger question and that is whether on over again, off again, relationships are actually salubrious.

So what'south interesting is recent enquiry would actually propose that rebound relationships are healthy.

So if you lot break up with someone, proceed the rebound, it'due south actually a nifty way of getting over the person y'all were simply with. But is that kind of true in an on, over again, off again relationship?

Well, if you actually look at the situation where a rebound relationship is involved, y'all're actually … There's a breakup occurring with you and your ex. Right? And and so you are moving on to someone new.

And even though it'south morally grayness, yous're really using that someone new to get over the feel. And sometimes using that someone new can flower into a bang-up human relationship.

But the same thing doesn't necessarily work inside on again off again relationships.

So call up of information technology similar this, with rebound relationships, you're breaking upwardly with your ex and moving on to someone new, an on once again off again relationship is you are breaking up with your ex and so you're not moving on to someone new, you lot're moving on to your ex again.

So it's really constitute to be kind of united nations-health. At that place are some a fly in the ointments here, there where in that location are some studies that say it can be salubrious, but I call back that's only in cases where people capitalized on transitions.

Can On Over again Off Once more Relationships Ever Work?

So tin they work?

So you've been in this on over again off once more relationship.

We've determined that, "Aye, information technology'due south not necessarily the most salubrious situation." Tin can they work well?

Yes, it can absolutely piece of work.

You see, in my opinion, there are two types of on again off again relationships.

The outset type is those who abound.
And the second type is those who don't.

This is what inquiry has suggested based on the enquiry findings that I cited. Where the i couple or the one person that seemed to have a positive net alter if an bodily reconnection was made, were those who really capitalized on transitions.

Where they wanted to use the human relationship as a test to manage the issues or they used information technology as an opportunity to better the relationship. So once more, that was the only type of on again off again relationship that saw a positive change.

That's what I mean by those who grow.

So if you're going to get into an on again off once more human relationship, yous demand to view it in that way.

The problems that caused the relationship to brainstorm with demand to be talked virtually. Yous need to learn some communication skills and you lot really need to do a lot of research almost what information technology takes to make a good for you relationship work.

But hither'southward the affair, frequently people who are in situations with on again off again, relationships fail to realize what blazon of on once more off again relationship they're really in. And then I've cited and then far, 5 types of on once again off again relationships and basically honed in on one type where, "Hey, information technology tin can work out if y'all're this type."

Simply more times than not, people are in those habitual type of relationships. They are in those mismatched type of relationships. They are in gradual separation. Sometimes they are trying to get dorsum with the controlling partner in which you lot should never do.

So the question now becomes, is there a right manner to transition into the on over again phase?

And in my opinion, admittedly.

The Right Style To Transition Into The "On Over again" Stage

There's an absolute fashion that you should transition into this on again phase if you lot notice yourself in the on again off once more relationship. S

o the program that we teach, we've had seven years to define this now.

And so we've refined this process time and time over again so that we can effigy out what's best for these on again off again relationships. The program that we teach allows women time to assess the breakup, time to work on their own personal growth and fourth dimension to determine if they actually want to go back together.

At present the boulder of our program, Jennifer mentioned, and that'southward the no contact rule.

Now before you scroll your eyes and say, "I've heard this a million times before, Chris." Or, "It doesn't work."

I want you to sympathise how nosotros use the no contact dominion.

So if you don't know, I've written about the no contact rule a zillion times on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

I've done a zillion YouTube videos on it.

I've done a zillion podcast episodes on it.

So I don't think I need to explicate to you what the no contact dominion is.

Just for the the spare viewer there, who's listening in is thinking, what the heck is the no contact rule?

Hither is what information technology is.

The no contact rule is simply a menses of time where y'all ignore your ex with the intent on making them miss yous, only as well at the same fourth dimension giving yourself some time to cultivate your ain personal life.

And I would add together onto that definition, giving you time to determine if y'all want to get back with your ex or not. Correct? So what'due south different about the style that nosotros use the no contact rule equally compared to our competitors?

For case, what our competitors often only focus on the missing your ex part. So they're thinking, well, if y'all ignore your ex, they're going to miss you and and so past default they're going to want you dorsum.

We really don't look at it that way.

So we similar to sort of divide it upward into iii phases.

In that location's a flow of time on what you're supposed to be doing before the no contact rule
A period of time of what you're supposed to be doing during the no contact rule
And a period of time on what you should exist doing after the no contact rule.

And so allow's take a footling moment and describe what you lot should be doing during each of those three phases.

Phase One: Earlier The No Contact Rule

And then phase one is there before the no contact rule phase.

So this is where y'all're going to be doing a breakdown assessment, determining whether or not you lot're in an ideal situation to go back with your ex or not.

You're going to larn about what the no contact rule is.

Then many of you listening to this unabridged podcast episode are probably in the before the no contact rule phase. What you're failing to do is you're failing to learn the ins and the outs of everything related to the no contact rule.

So for example, most people can't do a strict no contact rule directly upward because they live with their ex, like Jennifer. Most people can exercise it because they're significant, they have children with their ex, they work with their ex.

What do yous do in those situations?

That is what you're supposed to be doing earlier you practise a no contact rule.

You need to exercise all of your leg work, all of your homework and then that y'all know what you're getting yourself into.

This is also a time for yous to translate your ex'southward behavior and endeavor to sympathize what's really going through his mind and adopt an action oriented mindset. And so there'south a divergence between understanding something and implementing something.

Then this is everything y'all're supposed to exist doing before you go into a no contact rule.

But what virtually what yous're supposed to be doing during the no contact rule?

Phase Ii: During The No Contact Rule

So let'due south say during the no contact rule, you've learned everything about the no contact dominion.

You're implementing information technology. You have that action oriented mindset. You are still a piddling unclear on whether or not you desire your ex back, but you lot've taken some time to interpret his behavior so that you can better understand what's going through his listen.

This menstruum is basically spent on y'all. Right? So you lot're going to be learning nigh concepts like the value ladder, what un-gettable means. You're going to larn about what we consider to be the Holy Trinity, health, wealth, relationships and how those collaborate and the synergy betwixt them.

You're going to learn how yous should be treatment your social media profiles, what you lot should be posting, what y'all should be saying, what's the the okay things to exercise, what are not the okay things to do. And besides yous're going to learn about what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship. That's an important part for someone who's in an on again, off again relationship because learning what information technology takes to maintain a good for you relationship is something that about no ane does when they enter into that on once again stage again.

Phase Three: Afterward The No Contact Dominion

So far we've talked virtually what to do before the no contact dominion, what you should be doing during the no contact rule, merely what near after the no contact rule?

Here's what we find is fascinating.

People who listen to us, people who go through this breakup phase, they carve up the no contact dominion into the three phases, before, during and subsequently.

People actually practise what they're supposed to do earlier and what they're supposed to be doing during the no contact rule often accept a much different outlook subsequently the no contact dominion is over.

This is actually where they tin can do their real soul searching. They can really decide, do they want to move on or do they want to endeavor to reestablish contact and reconnect and learn to maintain a healthy human relationship? This is that moment. This is the frame of mind that you should be in when you practice everything.

A lot of times people make impulse decisions when it comes to getting back with an ex. I'1000 non dumb. I know, I've seen, I've been there. I know exactly what it'south like when you go through a breakup and some of the decisions that you make. Information technology's nothing confronting you.

Call back when emotions run high logic runs low. That's been sort of a phrase that everyone's been saying for years. Correct? Oftentimes the decision to, "Hey, I want to go back with my ex is done in an extreme emotional state of mind. But after you've got some time to remember about it, after you've worked on the important aspects that you're supposed to be working on after a breakup, that's when y'all should make up one's mind whether or not yous want to move on or endeavour to reestablish contact and reconnect with your ex.

Because what we find is it's literally 50/50. Half the people who get through the no contact dominion and practice everything as suggested, will still want their ex's back and one-half of the people will not. They see their ex for what they actually are. They want to movement on. They desire to have a better version of a relationship than they had with their ex. There's nothing wrong with either arroyo, merely my whole indicate is before you make a big decision, like whether or not y'all desire to go back with your ex, y'all should make up one's mind whether or non he's worth getting back. Now, why am I going through all of this for Jennifer, who'due south 29 years old? She's got plenty of fourth dimension to notice and settle down. She'due south been with this person for thirteen years. While that's just it. She'south been with this person for xiii years. They've been off again on again, probably for most of that fourth dimension.

What she needs to do more anything is determine if he'due south worth getting back with. But she can't practise that right now considering she's going through a really highly emotional time. She needs to carve up things and simplified things upwards into these iii phases and so after she's gone through all of the work, make that decision. But the beautiful part is fifty-fifty when yous're going through that before the no contact rule stage. Even when you're learning most that during the no contact rule phase, you're notwithstanding learning almost what you should do if yous want to get your ex back and if y'all want to motility on. That'southward all role of working on yourself.

I did an episode once where I interviewed a woman, I think her name was Veronica Grant. She'southward a real dainty girl. She had adopted this mindset that I recollect is worth adopting. Information technology'south called dating yourself. Correct? A lot of people don't date themselves. They don't spend time to work on themselves or do sort of nice things for themselves afterward a breakdown. They merely first obsessing most what their ex is doing, who their ex is, seeing things of that nature. Only this is a time to date yourself. And so afterwards you come out the other end of that one to two month time menstruum, you'll be in a frame of heed to brand a decision on whether you want to move on or attempt to reestablish, contact, and reconnect.

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